Security Guard

It is The Urban Legend 12 Step Guide to Success in Whatever You Do: Leggo.

  1. Think of all the people who have ever pissed you off since you were a kid and hate them. Hate them a lot. Hate them all day long.
  2. Now with all that hatred and evil and loathing making your heart black and heavy and stonehard, go and apply for a job with a security firm.
  3. When they give you a  contract, you will see the part where it says in the job description “check people entering premises”. Cross out the word “check” and replace it with the words “molest sexually”.
  4. Get a uniform and see if it fits.
  5. Then either lose weight or gain weight—whichever is easier to make sure that the uniform does not fit at all.
  6. Remember that teacher who caned you when they caught you shooting mpafu in P3.
  7. Get stationed outside an office or mall or bank or some other place where innocent civilians tend to pass. Maybe even a church.
  8. Every time one arrives, remember the Congolese who stole your girlfriend.
  9. The person walks up refer to them as “YOU!” but not a good “you”, the kind of “you” that is used in the sentence “you contemptuous and revolting waste of flesh and carbon dioxide, you are the one who spends nights sodomising medium-sized rodents, aren’t you?” Say “You! What is in the bag! Bring and I see.”
  10. When the person suggests that you don’t have to be rude, and that they were not refusing to be checked and that they are quite ready to comply with the security protocols required to enter the building, sneer and grab at their bag. Grab at it as if it is a wild animal attempting to escape capture. Grab at the handle of their Gucci handbag as if it is a hyena throat.
  11. Rip the thing open and stare inside with your mouth curled downwards as if you already despise everything this person has ever done. Hope that you find something sexual in the bag like edible panties or a vibrator so you can take them out and embarrass the chick. If it is a guy and you find a vibrator, that will be your lucky day.
  12. You are not allowed to grab the person’s bottom any more but this doesn’t mean you cannot make them uncomfortable. Use the wand. That metal detector thingy. Use it suggestively to emasculate the men you check or violate the women. Then let them enter and cry from inside.