Uganda Cranes Stars

Here’s another informed soccer analysis from our expert soccer critic who has reviewed many international matches in his mind.

I know Kenyans are now like, “Habari nini habari ya habari habari”, which, for the silly population that still doesn’t know Swahili in 2011, means “Heheheeee Are they still talking? Stupid Ugandans.”

But there’s something you should know about Ugandans. We don’t do anything without a motive. We don’t eat, sleep or even breathe without just cause. And we certainly do not fail to win without reason.

And this is how we celebrate our losses

I’ll give you 10 solid reasons why we failed to win:

  • The starving women and children in Africa
  • The war in Libya
  • Obama’s fear of failure to get reelected
  • The sudden death of Steve Jobs
  • The country’s messed up judicial system
  • The continued presence of American troops in Iraq
  • The earthquakes in Asia
  • The oil in western Uganda
  • Eminem and Dr. Dre

All of these reasons are pretty simple and self-explanatory. Kenya, you see how honest we are? We don’t hide behind weird and senseless excuses like “Our players just didn’t have the skill”, sijui “We were under intense pressure”, simanyi “You guys have good players”… I know. I was equally shocked when I heard that last one.

Anywhen, Kenya, forget what you saw on Saturday. Those were not our players. They were just some wicked aliens from outer space who had come to destroy the planet under the guise of a Ugandan football team.

But only Obua noticed. And ULK, of course. Power to the ninjas!

10 other areas where we beat Kenya:


  • We have better potholes
  • Our government is more corrupt
  • Our president has stayed on for longer
  • We have more power blackouts
  • We know how to get high and call in sick and pregnant on Monday
  • Our broken English is produced on a larger scale
  • Agnes Nandutu
  • When the police is chasing us, we run faster
  • Our currency makes us bigger spenders. Therefore, we are rich
  • Our watches are imported from international artistes who visit Uganda

Now talk again.