Letter from the President

Yesterday I was called by the Nation Media Group and told that they had appointed me president of Uganda and that I was needed on NTV for an interview immediately. So I took a shower presidently, put on presidential socks, underpants, jeans, rock t-shirt and took a presidential boda boda to Serena.

Without even much as a cup of tea, they started firing questions from those ends of the gate while a policeman stared at the bike’s side mirror in search of guns.

“President Mununuziiiiiii!” came Agnes Nandutu’s deafening shriek from the general direction of the studio. I got concerned about her lack of care for her throat and talked to the guard.

“Boss, but why does she do that?” I asked.

“Who, Agnes? She does it every morning to wake up the reporters to start working.”

“She’s already in studio this early? I thought she works in the evening.”

“No, she’s at home.”

I was escorted to studio to face a visibly tired, hungry and angry Maurice Mugisha. His clothes were all torn up. The official story was he had been told to fight hard to secure an interview with the president, a directive he took a tad too literally.

“So President Mununuzi…” he started to ask.

“Just call me President M. And please stop using the quotation marks. They look like alien fighter jets trying to outcompete my new QXF47 Sabasaba Eagle Thunderbolt Currency Bomber fighter jets.”

Angry Maurice: President M, why are you letting this country go to the dogs like this? You haven’t learnt anything after all this time in power?

President M: But I’ve only been in power for 25 minutes.

Hungry Maurice: Just answer the damn question. I want to go and eat!

President M: How is that any of my concern?

Tired Maurice: Mister President, nyamba bambi! Just please help and answer my questions chap chap so that I go and borrow a generator before the only open trader closes his shop.

President M: Let him close. Me I do my shopping from outside countries.

Frowning Maurice: So you really don’t care that the economy is going down and people are suffering without food to eat?

President M: Me I eat local food.

An artistic impression of what Maurice feels like right now

Frustrated Maurice: You are the president of this country. You’re supposed to care about your people, not just you.

President M: But I do. My wife is writing books, my kids are happily married…

Head-shaking Maurice: What do you have to say about the collapse of the shilling?

President M: It’s good. It’s very good for the economic inflationary negativeness of buying and importing against the exportation quotient.

Confused Maurice: I don’t understand a word you just said.

President M: You don’t have to.

Resigned Maurice: Okay, just one more question sir. There’s an impending strike by city taxi drivers and conductors over the failure by your government to address the continued collapse of the economy. Do you have any comments on that?

President M: I have a car.

Relieved Maurice: Okay sir. Thank you for your time.

President M: And thank you for putting me on NTV. I should make you a minister.

Maurice: Minister of what?

President M: Let’s first make you minister then we shall see how to squeeze a ka-ministry somewhere in there.