Letter from the President

The Nation Media Group called me again and appointed me president of Uganda. They called me for an interview at NTV as usual but this time I was to have it under a mango tree near the parking lot the other side because the studio was out of operation.

Apparently, UMEME’s Head of Disconnecting was dozing from exhaustion during a 9 o’clock news bulletin when Agnes Nandutu over shouted and startled him awake. So he stormed into NTV and confiscated some of the studio’s sockets and wires.

My boda guy had asked for a day off because of a broken kneecap caused by eating an undercooked sausage, so I walked to interview.

I was met by some chick.

SOME CHICK: Welcome, President Mununuzi.

PRESIDENT MUNUNUZI: Where’s Maurice Mugisha?

SOME CHICK: He went to buy cassava.

PRESIDENT MUNUNUZI: What did he tell you to call me before he left?

SOME CHICK: President M.

PRESIDENT MUNUNUZI: So why don’t you obey his orders? You should respect him. He eats cassava.

SOME CHICK: Yes sir. Now my question today is…

PRESIDENT M: Will it make me avoid tackling real issues of national importance?

SOME CHICK: It’s about oil.

PRESIDENT M: No. That’s a real issue.

SOME CHICK: It’s about the former vice president.


SOME CHICK: Why was he given such a harsh punishment and humiliated like that yet he is your former number two guy and there are bigger and apparently untouchable crooks in the government?

PRESIDENT M: That’s the question?

SOME CHICK: Yes sir.

PRESIDENT M: All of it?



SOME CHICK: The answer, President M.

PRESIDENT M: He refused to change his name to Gilbert Boo.


PRESIDENT M: Gilbert Boo. You can’t be such a respected dignitary yet you have “Kenya” in your name during such a sensitive football time when you’re supposed to be on your country’s side. That is treason.

PRESIDENT M: I even gave him an option of Gilbert Buuganda and Gilbert Bucranes but he was adamant. He just kept saying, “Me am mahogany, me am mahogany”.

SOME CHICK: You took him to court, sent him to prison, stripped him of his parliamentary seat, refused to back him and humiliated him  just because he has Kenya in his name and you think he supports The Harambee Stars?

PRESIDENT M: Eh! But where’s Maurice? At least he knows how to break break his questions. You ask as if the question is chasing you.

SOME CHICK: I’m sorry. Any final word to our viewers, sir?


SOME CHICK: Yes? Go on.

PRESIDENT M: You said a word.

SOME CHICK: It’s just a figure of speech. You can…

PRESIDENT M: Which figure? There were no figures in your sentence. Which university did you go to? Makerere?

SOME CHICK: No sir. Kenyatta Univ…

PRESIDENT M: Arrest her!