Classified News

Last week we were having our weekly meeting at a secret shooting range in a secret place in a certain part of the country when news hit us that Lira Municipality MP Jimmy Akena and the President…

…of the Uganda People’s Congress Olara Otunnu were fighting. The messenger, still out of breath, had run all the way to bear the news.

“…as I speak right now,(pant  pant), they are both on the floor, (pant) clawing at each other’s hair and screaming ‘your mama’ insults at the top of their voices…”

Any news on why they are fighting?

“(pant)…they say Akena’s he-goat walked to Otunnu’s compound and banged his goats. ”

I didn’t believe the messenger. We didn’t shoot him though. I sent word to Badru, a trusted source who picks up all manner of classified information even before the secretary who stamps documents with that ‘classified’ stamp has done it.

Badru already had the scoop. The fight is all because of a Miss Uganda contestant.

Both Akena and Otunnu’s  Google search for ‘best woman to wear red and be UPC member’s chickidee’ pointed them to the same Miss Uganda contestant. Akena was the first to meet her.

Take one: Jimmy Akena inna di wheels

Jimmy: I n I belief dat u n I should be joined, na care wha dem bloodclat dem wan say

Miss Uganda contestant: eh eh, but Jimmy (playfully punches his shoulder)…you are so gyangstar even you…hihihi

Jimmy: (pointing at the area generally below his belt)  I’d like you to jimmy my Akena. To okot my p’Bitek. To barack my Obama

MUC: hihihihi…you are making me shy.

Take Two: Olara Otunnu steps up

“…then I screamed huuuyaaa, like Bruce Lee and I gave him a numb chop…”

Otunnu:  Have you heard of ‘The sword in the stone’ story? Only the true king could withdraw a certain sword from a certain stone…you know it?

MUC: yes yes, I heard of it when me I was small like a child

Otunnu: Well, there’s something between my teeth that only the true miss Uganda can remove. Lean in and try your luck

MUC: (eyes brighten, everything fades to black, all she sees is the crown and one man standing in her way….she takes a deep breath and goes for gold)

Naturally word got round to each of them that the other guy was stirring his tea with the same teaspoon. That they were using the same kilo of sugar. That they were wearing the same Donald duck underwear. That’s why they were fighting at the press briefing.