Ugandan Creation Story

In the beginning God created Straka and she was a ninja.

And God looked at His creation and said, “Iyiii!” And He realized that there were pages missing from this creation story. And so He called Adam from the Garden of Eden and asked him, “Adam, come forth and explain how I created thee. I cannot find some pages.”

“I can’t, Father,” Adam replied. “I be naked as if.”

“Naked? How did thou know thou were naked?” God inquired, to which a strange shrill voice replied. “When we went for the village council meeting to debate the marriage bill, they laughed at us nti mbu that we were bukunya.”

Adam looked over at the source of the voice and barked, “They were asking me, silly. Stop tapping people’s kb. Aren’t you supposed to be cooking supper?”

Kko the voice, “Ye what’s your case also you? Power has gone off and me I don’t use charcoal stoves. My nails.”

“Adam, who art thou?” asked God.

“This chick!” Adam replied and turned to the voice. “Gwe Eva, come and greet The Creator.”

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I don’t deserve to be in your presence. I be naked as if.”

Disappointed, God looked at Adam. “Did thou eateth of the forbidden fruit?”

“No, Father! A whole me?!”

“Wamma I gave him some,” interjected Eve.

“Do you ever shut up? God, is it possible to get another wife? I want my second rib to bring forth Desire Luzinda. This one is a gold digger.”

“Shya! You also what do you have you?”

“Is this your garden, stupid?”

“Hey!” God intervened. “I asked you two a question. Did thou eateth of the forbidden fruit?”

“No, Father,” answered Adam. “It wasn’t a fruit. It was soda.”

“Yes, Father. It was soda,” added Eve.

“I told you she was a gold digger. She only agrees with me when we’re talking about food.”

“Please! You can’t even afford chips chicken from just here in Wandegeya.”

“That’s in the New Testament, dwanzie. We’re still in the Old Testament.”

“Hey!” God intervened again, and Adam continued.

“I’m sorry, Father. Like I said, it was soda and she’s the one who gave it to me. So you understand when I say I want a divorce. Desire Luzinda wouldn’t get me in problems like this.”

“Is this true, Eve?” asked God.

“Yes, Your Honour…”

“#Fail,” tweeted Adam.

“I mean Yes, Father. But this wasn’t the forbidden fruit. I swear upon the living God. They said it would free my fun side and me for me this man for him he bores me.”

“You also bore me. Why do you think I drank it? God, Desire Luzinda.”

“Which soda is this you speaketh of?” asked God.

Mirinda Green Apple,” replied Eve.

Kampala Babes

And so God asked Eve, “Why did you speak in bold italics?”
“She be’s local like that,” quipped Adam.
“You don’t change fonts when I’m talking to you. I’m disappointed in both of you.”
“Even me?” inquired Adam.
“She’s your wife. You share the blame.”
“My suffering will end the day I get Desire Luzinda’s phone number.”
“What’s a phone number?” asked Eve, confused.
“Google it.”
And so God cut their conversation short. “I hereby banish you both from the Garden of Eden. Go to Kampala!”
“Kampala. The land of suffering because the long public holiday is over and people are now back to work.”
“NOOOOOOO!” cried Adam in despair. “Please God, I’m can’t work! Look at me! I’m just a man!”
But God ignored his cries and continued, “…Kampala, the land of Green Apple and Desire Luzinda…”
“Okay we’re going.”