Makerere Uinversity

There’s a common saying in the Bible that goes, “Foolish is he who studies at Makerere”. If it’s not in your Bible, you should check the back part. It probably says “Made in China”. Mine was made by the government. Totally reliable.

In Makerere, every course carefully guides you to be a legitimate disappointment to your parents with a transcript to show for it. With the help of six select courses, let me show you how.

Bachelor of Mass Communication
A three-year course that teaches students to carry out extensive research and find out which bars are happening and at what prices they are selling their beers. The students then move hall to hall and hostel to hostel passing on the research findings to the masses.

Bachelor of Medicine
A five-year course that coaches students to administer first aid to fellow students who drink too much and become blind, start puking or lose their way to their places of residence. It also teaches students to wear white coats and look busy.

Bachelor of Law
Some students get too high and start fights, intentionally or unintentionally. MUK students of Law are, therefore, trained to arbitrate such fights and decide who should pay the bar owner for the broken tables and glasses.

Bachelor of Industrial and Fine Art
Students are tutored to use their visual insight to help their colleagues pick out the finely shaped girls in a bar. However, students who get high enough to successfully blur the line between attractive and ugly girls can do without this help.

Bachelor of Tourism
They are trained to tour bars. In fact, students of this course are useful in evaluating bars. If many tourism students tour a specific bar in high numbers, it’s ranked highly. And so a bar with fewer tourists is ranked poorly. It’s therefore safe to assume that Cheese bar and Al Zawadi closed because they were not efficiently supported by the MUK Faculty of Tourism.

Bachelor of Social Sciences
This one teaches students to apply the science of beer measurement to the successful degeneration of morals in society. It is through this course that students determine how much alcohol it takes to generate a certain amount of verbal ridicule. For example if a random student A has angered random student B, it is imperative that random student B enlists the help of a Social Sciences student to find out how many shots of Tequila are required to hurl the unkind word “koma***ko” at random student A.

But first wait!

“Then why was the university closed?” you must be wondering. Here is the real reason the newspapers, radios and TV stations won’t tell you. Come closer and I beat you a whisper:

Faculty operations could no longer be sustained because of the high beer prices. Students had to be sent home to lie to their parents and steal more money for more beers. Award winning raper Barya MC is also doing several gigs in Kampala clubs as a bargain for his students to be given discounts on the alcohol.

You heard it here first. Now go spread the word.

ULK. Your reliable source of totally unreliable information.