Escaping from Herold

Chapter VII: King Herod Jams To Swallow That There’s A Famous Baby

Kill those bu-kids! Msssstttcccheeeewww

*Bang bang bang!*

“Who is it, dear?” Mary asks of Joseph?

“It’s the popo, honey.”

“What’s a popo?”

“That is an archaic slang term for the police. The writers of this series have used too much modern language in the dialogue they have written so far. This time, one of them has decided to make an effort.”

Joseph opens the door and starts bargaining.

“Listen, officers. I can explain. First of all, it was all Rahmet’s idea. Look, I’ve got a family to look after. Can’t we talk about this? We can help one another. I didn’t even know it was illegal. I swear. It was like that when I arrived.”

“Mr Heptutet, you have the right to remain silent.”

“We don’t have that in our constitution.”

“You have the right. I just gave it to you so you can shut up for a minute. Now, we have reason to believe that you have illegal materials on the premises.”


“For crying out loud, this isn’t a Benny Hill sketch. Don’t do that thing of saying I told you to shut up so you can’t answer my question.”

“Okay. Um, no, officer, I have no illegal materials in my house. All the stuff is at Rahmet’s place. Don’t tell him I snitched.”

“Note that down, partner. We have to pay a visit to Mr Rahmet down the street.”

“Yes, Detective.”

“Mr Heptutet, we understand that you have recently come into possession of a newly born son.”

“Have I? Really?”

“Where is your wife, Hermopli?”

“Um…Hermopli? Um, sheesh. I don’t even know. I got a new wife here, you see. Young Dispesis here. She’s brand new. Just 15 years old. I had her delivered about seven months ago and have been having a blast since, so you understand why I don’t even know where the hell that old bag Hermopli even is.”

“Doesn’t she live here?”

“Yeah, I guess. But I really don’t pay attention to the furniture and the livestock and the women. I have slaves who take care of that.”

“So, Mr Heptutet, you were not aware that your wife, Hermopli recently gave birth to a boy?”

“Really? She has always been giving birth to girls. It’s about time she gave birth to a real person. You know, sorry to go off on a tangent, but I wonder if there will ever be a day when women are considered to be more than property. I mean, a day when they have equal rights.”

“Yeah right. This is no time for jokes, Mr Heptutet. Step aside. We need to search the premises. Hey, slave! What’s your name?”

“Nefrusoput, sir.”

“Nefrusoput, who is hiding with you in that room?”

“Nobody there but us chicken, sir.”

“Slave, bring forth that woman and her newborn child. We have instructions to kill every newborn male in the city.”

“Officer, let me ask. Is that right? How can a king just wake up and kill everyone’s children and no one complains?”

“If you don’t like it, go invent human rights and democracy.”

And that marks the final chapter, legendary peeps. Have yourselves the coolest of festivities. If you want, anyway.