Golola Moses

This morning I was out in the yard at the ULK offices, looking into the sky waiting for it to look back, when I was approached by a motley bunch of urchins. Are you Streetsider? They demanded.
I replied in the affirmative.

We have a question, said the leader, a rambunctious ragamuffin like this.
“Is it true that Golola Moses, the African Assassin is actually strong enough to tear pages out of Facebook. And that he uses those pages to light his sigiri?
“Well,” I replied “while he CAN tear pages out of Facebook. He really doesn’t need then to light his sigiri. Since his temper is of the hottest, all he needs is to get mildly angry at a sigiri and it will light itself.”

An Artists Impression of Golola Moses
An Artists Impression of Golola Moses

Is it true that he irons his clothes with the palm of his hand ? Asked another young scamp anxiously.
I mulled over this one, I didn’t know for a fact whether he actually did iron his clothes with the palm of his hand, but I had to admit it made perfect sense.
“What is Golola? Who is Golola?” The urchins clamored. “Where did he come from? Can you tell us?”

Hot Temper: another artists Impression
Hot Temper: another artists Impression

Seeing as I am a firm believer in not letting the younger generation live in ignorance; I put on most school-teacherly face and proceeded to tell them a bit of the history of the great Golola Moses of Uganda.

The breakdown
On the day he was born, (We failed to verify that he was born at all; but that is how the rumor goes) he immediately jogged home. It was his very first roadwork. On the way home, he happened to sneeze; causing three pythons that lived in the vicinity to die instantly.

As a baby, a cobra bit him. What the cobra didn’t know was that Golola Moses was the sort to bite back. (Golola Moses, as everyone knows, was born with a full set of 32 adult teeth).

As a boy, he was notorious at the neighborhood well. Every-time he looked into the water… the well would wince. To this day if you go to that well it will ask you politely not to mention the name Golola Moses.

In school when they asked him why the Bunyoro Kitara Empire collapsed, he would write Golola Moses and get 100% in the test.
At his first job…

“What is his secret?” interrupted one young rascal whose eyes by now resembled magnifying glasses

“Golola Moses has always been a humble but fearless man. In fact when Fear bumps into him, it quietly walks away or pretends to be playing snake on its phone. This is the reason he has come this far and that is the reason he is now representing Uganda.” I replied gravely. “Also, he believes in himself so completely that should he decide to float, gravity will have no option but to let the guy just fly away.”

“Ah! Golola must win today!” Exclaimed another urchin. This Hungarian can’t manage!
“Don’t be so sure,” I cautioned, “Andras Nagy is no joke. He has kept a low profile but our snoops report that he sweats acid and that his biceps are made out of solid cocaine. When he farts the fart comes out as an actual balloon with the word Stinkmeaner inside.”

So who will win? he responded.
“Of course we all want Golola to win, and we will all be supporting him through and through tonight whether at Hotel Africana, from our sitting rooms or on our portable radios. But we shall have to wait and see.”