Where Are They Now? Inspector Derrick


He is still immortalised in our minds as the classic template of the TV procedural cop drama. I am short of coffee and therefore don’t want to write a proper intro. Anyway, see this guy?


The words that follow are an interview with him.


Q: On the line we have Horst Tappert, famed for playing Inspector Derrick on UTV back in the day. I guess the first question, Horst, is: you passed away in 2008, according to Wikipedia. How is TV star heaven?

A: Vell, it is not Germany, but zen again, I cannot complain.

Are you saying Germany is better than heaven?

In Germany I vas famous great TV legend. Here in heaven, all I do is fly around viz ze vings playing ze harp. I cannot be TV star in heaven because zere is no TV in heaven.

Why not? Because TV is a tool of sin?

Reception issues.

Oh. Anyway, surely there must be some fans of yours up there. Someone there who watched Derrick on TV. At least some Ugandans.

Nope. No Ugandans in heaven. All of you go to ze ozer place.


Hey, I don’t make ze rules. It’s your fault. All ze drinking and ze fornicating and ze stealing of ze funds ze German donors send…

Well, let’s get away from that, and talk about television. I know there is TV in heaven. Otherwise it wouldn’t be heaven.

Zere is only DVD. Ve get ze shows already made on Earth. But because it is heaven, ve get plasma screen HD and no commercials.

Do you watch any current cop dramas and think back to the days of Derrick and think, “These kids are punks. Derrick could kick all their asses.” Do you?

Oh yes. Ven I vatch Psych, zat is exactly vat I think. And ven I vatch Law and Order, I vatch CSI, I sink, “Vhy do zey show zese shows in Uganda? I sought in Uganda zey do not allow ze gay shit.”

Is there any show you do like? At least one show you like.

I like ze Tventy Four. Alzough I sink Jack Bauer could have solved ze case in eight hours if he had help from Derrick.

You know what is weird about Derrick? I don’t remember there being any chicks in the show. I mean, there should always be a hot lady cop in the precinct. Like Freemah in Law and Order. Don’t you agree?

This is Freemah in case you are wondering

This is Freemah in case you are wondering

Vat do you mean? Zere were vomen in Derrick all ze time! Ze German vomen!

I don’t remember any.

Vat about mein assistant Harriet Klien?

Harry was a woman?



Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here