Eating Ffene

Hello, Streetsider here.

When I set out to write this article. I had a mission and an object.

OBJECT: An article, 500 words approx.

MISSION: To write a Top Ten about the leading mental disorders on the market and pepper it with folksy anecdotes from a bizarre landscape where when you have gonorrhea you ACTUALLY pee fire…

Chyeck dis, Chyeck dis

…and some people in Lungujja eat their children.

…Its not that I don’t want per se, but really! Why did you have to call it putting food on the table?

That was the plan. But unfortunately…

The article wasn’t having it.

99 words. Blink.

102 words. Blink.

105 words. Blink.

Very obstinate some of these articles can be. So I left it alone and decided to give you the Ffene Series part 2!!! Enjoy yourselves.

(This is the Editor-In-Chief; ah… Mr Typer …GWE! You there with the disorganized fingers. Do be a sport and create a chi- italic thingie so I can sound like I am whispering …

Ah! Brilliant!

Now for those of our readers who are not familiar with the Ffene series. These are a series of interviews with Kampala’s leading vitamin and bright color activist, Mrs. Kifenensi, president of the Ffene National Entity. (FFNE)… Installment 1 can be read here.

She prefers to live a private and secluded life. (In case people eat her). But once in a while she will consent to share her views and feelings on various matters.)

ULK: Mrs Kifenensi, we know you hate the limelight, but we have to ask, were you at the ULK party? And if so… how was it?

Mrs Kifenensi: I was! It was ballistic. I had a good time. I even got a rub-a-dub from a horny youngster.
(Shows us a part along her side still raw from all the rub action)

ULK: We are glad to hear that you enjoyed your cross-generational cross -species rub- a- dub.

Mrs Kifenensi: Munnange ever since the husband was sliced up, it’s been a hard time. I get very lonely… (A waxy tear slides down her rough green face)

Mrs Kifenensi: Anyway I got the youngster’s number so… be assured, every four or five hours I call him up and we breathe heavily to each other on the phone for about twenty minutes. You won’t believe the rush it gives me.

ULK: Fascinating, fascinating. What are your thoughts on the Bad Black Fiasco.

Mrs Kifenensi: I feel first of all, that in this world branding is, if not everything, at least 69 percent. have you seen that picture of her You can’t call yourself Bad Black if your face looks like a head on collision between a bottle of Jik and a bar of Mekako Premium.

Bad Black

ULK: I believe when she said Bad Black, she was talking about her soul.

Mrs Kifenensi: True, you can’t bleach that. You know who deserves the name Bad Black? UMEME!

ULK: Indeed… What do you recommend?

Mrs Kifenensi: I would advise every citizen to purchase as much Jik as they can, then when the lights go out, pour it out in the air so as the bleach the darkness. It is the only solution I can think of.

ULK: You have evidently given this a lot of thought.

Mrs Kifenensi: Munnange, Nkooye UMEME sausage. Is this interview over? It’s almost midday. I need to go call that ka youngster and say say disturbing things. This ffene needs to get her pre-lunch groove on nahmsayin?

ULK: Oh sure, we can always continue some other time. Any last words for your fans?

Mrs Kifenensi: Stay positive. Stay focused. Keep it bright(despite UMEME sausage), keep it happy, keep it Ffene!!!

From ffene with love.