ULK Easter Recipe: Kung fu Chicken


Easter is inching closer. It is yet another time of year for us to eat, make merry, drink, get drunk, get arrested, stage a prison break using a pen to make it home in time for Easter Sunday lunch. Since I’ve masterly brought us to the topic of Sunday lunch, what better thing can a legend do than give you a recipe? Easter lunch is one of those that stays in your belly for several months.

Unlike all those recipes you’ll pick up online, the ones we give here use only products you can find easily in a supermarket near you. Or in your neighbor’s fridge if you pick them fast enough.


  • Eggs from a hen
  • Salt
  • Fifteen Crisps
  • Mirinda
  • Oil


  1. Put down the game of Matatu you are playing. This will be very hard seeing as this game has a rich history and is very addictive
  2. See a chicken. Chase the chicken. You have between now and Thursday to catch the chicken. You could use a booby trap. You could look for an android app that can do this bit for you. You could get onto a boda boda and chase the damn foul.


  3. Chicken captured, you need to get it to lay at least two eggs. This can be done by scaring the sheat out of it. Show it a picture of grilled chicken. Bite into a drumstick while it watches. Play Bebe Cool’s music. Show it lady Gaga. Do sum’n horrific.
  4. If you have eggs from performing step three successfully, it is probably Friday by now. Good Friday. If the eggs are white, no need to waste them by eating them. Take them to a witch-doctor and he will make you stinking rich. Or he’ll just make you stinking. If you didn’t get eggs, this is the end of the road. Go do something nation-building; find a shovel and fill potholes.
  5. If you have reached this far then the assumption is you are holding some eggs in your hands as you read this. Put them down and high five yourself.
  6. Get the oil. Pour two shots of it into a clean frying pan. Put the pan on fire. Or heat it using your laser vision. Or rub your hands against the bottom of the pan till it heats up sufficiently
  7. Sip from the bottle of Mirinda
  8. Crack the eggs by hitting them against your forehead. No. Don’t do that.
  9. Crack the eggs using the swift haiken mitserugi Karate chop made popular by the Harlem-shaking Shaolin monks of Kamwokya. Pour the gooey inside into the cup. Beat it. The gooey stuff, not the cup
  10. Add 3-5 pinches of salt. Or if you have a lot of salt, add more. No use having it un-used in the kitchen
  11. Think about adding water. Brush away the thought. Think about what it would take for you to get a role as Djames bond. Or as a bond girl. Depending on your sex. Brush away that thought
  12. Pour the goo you’ve brutally beaten into the now-smoking oil.
  13. When the egg starts turning light taupe, flip it using whatever you have at your disposal.
  14. Eat three of the crisps we spoke of in the ingredients. The other twelve, give to charity. It is Easter you know
  15. Serve the Easter Egg hot. Eat it alone. Make grunts of pleasure every fifteen seconds. Do this till you swallow the last bit. Upload on YouTube


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