Ffene - Jackfruit in Uganda

Ffene, the African Jackfruit (Artokifenesis heterosmellus) is our one of the nations most celebrated fruits. Si ndio?
It grows everywhere, watching with a benevolent eye as we conduct and misconduct our affairs. When we are hungry we eat ffene to fill our bellies. When times are good, we do the ffene.

Doing the Ffene

When we have no sugar we mix ffene juice in the mukalu and pretend we are doing it because it is nutritious and rich in vitamins and essential minerals. Ffene has our backs.

Ffene has those nice colors which make you think of sunshine and healthiness and staying of the sexual network. Ffene is a positive fruit, it believes in hope and looking forward to a day when the economy isn’t so bad that just looking into your wallet makes you want to crawl into your undies and stay there.With Ffene, you can always believe that life will get better.

As such we feel that Ffene being part of the national fabric deserves to be heard. It has valuable lessons for us as Ugandans. The other day ULK had a meeting with Mrs Kifenensi; the president of the Ffene National Entity. (FFNE). We conducted a long and leisurely interview, in which she shared with Urban Legend her views and feelings on various matters in the news around the world.

Here is the first Installment:

ULK: A president of a certain country recently confessed that his population was composed mainly of robbers, bandits, pick pockets, swindlers, lawyers, politicians, shoplifters, crooks and basically all manner of thieves. How do you feel about that?

MRS K: That, I must confess is partly our fault. All over that country, when young boys and girls are growing up, our plump curvy figures and sweet sinfully succulent flesh has enticed and seduced, teaching them… Wait… Why do you have a hard on?

ULK: Because, for some reason, I really want to have sex with a fruit. I evidently have some serious issues. I shall get help.

MRS K: You should.

ULK: You may have heard Mrs Kifenensi; that currently, the Miss Uganda completion is underway and the finalists were recently unveiled. Any thoughts?

MRS K: I feel strongly that these bu-girls need to eat more Ffene. Ffene chips, Ffene cake, Ffene yoghurt, Ffene posho anything to put more flesh on those bones. Some of them look like they were squeezed out of a tube. I want them to know that we are here for them.

ULK: We wanted to know, if you feel it is right for opposition MPs to be sprayed with pink water so much.

MRS K: to be honest I sometimes feel that some of these PMs need to chill. To cool off if you get my drift. As such I see no problem. Fro me i like to be aid back and happy. My issue is with the color. Strawberry pink? No, we can’t allow that. Strawberries are some of our most vicious enemies. Not only do they wear their seeds on their bodies (which is the fruit equivalent of having a vagina on your elbow) they have also snatched up the flavor market, relegating us to wheelbarrows and the fruits in small plastic containers they deliver to offices. Strawberry if you are reading this, I want you to know that you cannot take the terrorism (or is it counter terrorism) anyway you cannot take this away from us. Beef just.

We pray that one day, all enemies of liberty and government will be sprayed in tasteful green and yellow ffene colors. it is only right. We shall see you next time with the next installment of these riveting series, the Ffene interviews, until then, keep it bright, keep it happy, keep it Ffene!!!