Big Brother Africa Amplified

Most of the responses I got from my last article about Big Brother were very positive. They were ranged from “Oh, Ernest Bazanye, you are so wonderful. Ooooh, baby!” to “We would like to put you on the register for the next Heroes Day.”

However, some of it was not as nice. Some people in particular took exception to the fact that parts of it seemed made up.

Okay. You’ve got me. I make up these things. I don’t really watch Big Brother, so I have no choice. I fabricate all my Big Brother recaps.

One of the people who wasn’t happy about this called me on Monday.

  • Hello, is this Baz?
  • This is Baz. Who am I speaking to?
  • Baz, this is Big Brother calling from South Africa.
  • In that case, don’t call me Baz. We are not friends. Call me Mister Bazanye.
  • I should probably be calling you an evil bastard after what you wrote about me the other day on your ka-site. You think we don’t read it in South Africa?
  • You man, I talk so much shit on this site about so many people, it’s hard to keep track. Which particular diss are you talking about?
  • You told everyone that I made one of the housemates pregnant. You said that I had been sleeping with Bhoke and she had started to experience morning sickness.
  • Heh heh. Biggie. I have some bad news for you. That’s not your kid.
  • What? But she said I was her one and only.
  • Um… no. Maybe you were her one and only for that hour, but that baby is half Ugandan. Wasake is actually in Kampala right now shopping for pampers and bibs and baby booties. Big Brother, are you … is that crying on the phone?

I wanted to know what was going on, so I turned on my … okay, I don’t have a DSTV. So I turned on my neighbour’s TV and tuned into the channel to see what was going on.

When we tuned in again about an hour had passed. Bhoke was asleep and Big Brother was somewhere shooting heroin to calm his nerves. The housemates were gathered around Nalukenge who seemed to be distributing some clear liquid from a saucepan.

Miss P: What did you say it was called again? Rock Blue?

Sharon O: It’s cored Wallagy. It’s a rockaw blew we mark in the vurlajjies art horme in Ugarnder.

Vumbai: It smells like alcohol. It must be a local brew they make in the villages at her home in Uganda.

Miss P: Then why doesn’t she say so?

Sharon O: Tharrts wart ah sard!

I soon discover that Big Brother had refused to replenish the housemates booze supply, so they had to fend for themselves. However, because I have a job and I can’t sit home idle watching this crap all day, I left to build the nation and only returned a few hours later to see what was going on.

Wendel and Lomwe were gazing into each others eyes and whispering.

Wendel: I love you. But don’t worry. I don’t mean that in a gay way.

Lomwe: Dude you so totally mean it in a gay way. You couldn’t be more gay if you walked in here with Elton John superglued to your bum. But I am not afraid. Nalukenge’s Rock Blue is making me see everything in a different way. Your eyes as soooo soft…

Sharon meanwhile is in the centre of the swimming pool speaking loudly.

“Me you see me here me Nalu? Wen I go baaka to Uganda and de see me allo dem de will say eh! Nalukenge Shallon of Wabulanendyembwa Virrage she alluso can be wen she can fry on da aeroplane and go evenny up to zere inni sausi. De willo evenny give me a jobbu of pulizenta in capto efwemu mwe muli awo.”

So, tune in to Big Brother every week night on Lighthouse Television for full coverage.