Don’t Take This Personally: This Isn’t About You As A Person


This is not a personal attack. I do not know this person. He might be a very warm person with a very pleasant character. This is not an attack on his character. It’s an attack on his intellect. He may be a kind, generous, warm guy who everyone loves.

But then he’s a kind, generous warm dumbass who everybody loves.

This is not an attack on his character. This is an attack on his intellect because he is collosally stupid. I swear.

Most of the time when we see him on TV, gibbering witlessly away with all the verve and energy and vigour that only the truly stupid can ever muster, we think to ourselves, “What a phenomenally talentless idiot this is. Oh goodness me. If Uganda could convert foolishness into a viable export commodity, this fellow alone would end our balance of payments issues; the way dollar would trade against the shilling then, it would be shops on Wall Street shutting down to strike, not midaala in Kikuubo.”


Dumber than Waldo Faldo


I mean this guy is a force of nature when it comes to being stupid; he is a tsunami that mixed itself somehow with an earthquake and then mingled the result with a hurricane and threw in an asteroid collision of stupidity for good measure. This guy has value added stupidity.


Again, this is not a personal attack. I am sure the people who know him personally can find some positive and even some affable traits in him that make them think, “He is not entirely a waste of biomatter which would have been put to better use ferterlising crops”. I guess some of the money the television station pays him goes to shooting pints to these friends of his. In fact, come to think of it, I’m sure a lot of it goes into shooting pints to these friends of his. I doubt that anyone ever wants to talk to him while they are sober.


Even dumber than this

This is not a personal attack. I mean, lack of intelligence does not necessarily make you a bad person. Though in this case it makes you dreadfully irritating. But then again, because he is lacking in the capacity to obtain and interpret information coherently, he might not be able to realise that he is really a huge moron. He probably doesn’t mean to ruin my television by getting on it and being so gobsmackingly stupid. And I mean gobsmackingly. Literally.

You know most people just say gobsmacking without realising what it literally means. They don’t actually stop to ask, “What is a gob, and have I smacked one in response to this flailing fool and his words and actions?” But I saw him on TV. And he spoke and I heard him. And just by reflex my right hand spread out its fingers into a large slap and it flew straight to my own face and I heard an echo of a “smack!” sound right after I felt the pain.


It was only after that that I searched the dictionary and learned that “gob” is a synonym for mouth.


This is not a personal attack.


But I do wonder if perhaps somebody could get through to him and tell him what damage he is doing to the faces of viewers and if, on learning how badly he is forcing us to treat our gobs, he will decide to change his ways. I wonder if somewhere underneath the deep layers of thick, sludgy, gooey, quagmirey dimwittedness there is a soul of charity. I wonder if, should someone get through to this soul, they would convince him to try to stop being such an idiot.


Even dumber than this

I mean, we are not asking for much. Just a couple of things. First of all, please, chill the fake accent. I know, I know, they said they want someone on the show who is as cool as gundi, the little gay African-American from 106 & Park, and he figured he should try to fit the mould, and he noticed that that Terrance uses a lot of rolling ‘r’s when he speaks.

But you are not doing in right, friend.

By the way, when I say “friend” I am being sarcastic. I don’t consider you an actual friend. When I say “friend” I mean it more like “vile and despicable thing that is even worse to contemplate than rectal herpes”.

So “Friend” (see above for actual meaning) if you cannot actually imitate a real American accent, then just speak normally. This will prevent the eventuality of nobody freaking understanding a word you are saying. It will help you not sound as if your teeth are gangraping each other in your mouth every time you come onto the TV.


Even this guy calls you a moron

This is not a personal attack. I am sure there are people who know the real you, and they have had deep meaningful conversations with you and they have seen a side of you that the rest of us, those who only see you on TV, never get to meet. I assume those people spoke to you in your mother tongue. Because your English is not merely broken. It’s far beyond broken. To say your English is broken would be like saying an egg that has been run over by a bulldozer has probably got a couple of cracks in it.


All the idiots pictured are entertaining. Unlike you

Now, no one says that everybody has to speak great English. It’s not our language. But speaking faltering English is one thing. Speaking broken English with a fake American accent is just stupid. Speaking broken English with a fake American accent and expecting us to think you are cool is not just an insult, it is a hyper-insult, because you are insulting us by insulting yourself. Speaking broken English with a fake American accent and then expecting us to think you are cool and then not even saying anything worth listening to the whole time is a waste of precious electricity in a time when the country is suffering a dire shortage.


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