Big Brother Stargame: Eek! Flash! Kyle! Janette!


Ivan: Right, the Big Brother Stargame is on. I didn’t catch the launch show, partly because I don’t hold the kind of clout that encourages invitation cards to cross paths with my person, but also because it sort of made more sense to watch a superhero movie that didn’t meander for ages before that ‘anha’ moment. Why is he called Iron Man… oh, I see. Why is he called the Hulk… oh, right.

On the flip side I’d have to keep wincing whenever they’d introduce a star. Lookit, Prezzo! Someone in the crowd would likely nudge their neighbor and ask, “Why do they call him that?” The neighbor would probably look over and say, “Because, dammit, he is some sort of presidential figure.” The gods would have a laugh and Africa would die a little inside.

Uganda would be a little luckier though. If reports are to be believed, our reps have sufficiently basic names. Michael and Natasha. If Michael is sensible, he will steer clear of nicknames. No one here calls him Mickey. Natasha… well, last I heard she was supposed to sashay into the music industry. It would be nice to see whether she can do anything else in there.



Baz: Alas, it seemed Ivan was wrong. This is what happens when you mix kwete with Black Label. The Ugandan highlight of Big Brother Stargame was Flavia Tumusiime who appeared to those with HD flat screen TVs as a large pink giggling cloud of fabric, make up, hair piece and banter. “Flavia is going to be in the house?” we thought. “Now who is going to watch K-Files? What if Rabbin Kisti takes over K-Files? Rabin Kisti likes taking over people’s shows.”

Then Eek showed up and we learned that Flavia was merely the cohost of the show.


Also, she was wearing this very big pink garment that was so full of hip, it made Eek lose his capacity to talk sense. Oh, wait. That’s just Eek bulijjo. You tell him about sense and he replies, “What is sense? Is it a kind of food?”

Ivan:  Hang on, you can’t accuse me of being ill informed. My sources clearly stated that Michael and Natasha were going to be in the Big Brother house. The only time they’ve been wrong was when they claimed that giant clouds shaped like mushrooms were going to come and make the earth their bitch. With the exception of that Nibiru fiasco, everything else has been on point. Almost.

But I’m a reasonable guy, I’m willing to accept the possibility that they meant that Natasha Sinayobye’s next song was going to be called Big Bother.
But focus: Big Brother has launched and they’ve promised us a couple of twists. What do you reckon’s gonna happen?

Baz: The first twist that got me, cos I didn’t expect it at all, was that they would have a Ugandan housemate named Kyle. I never in my whole life of many many years believed that there was such a thing as a Ugandan named Kyle. Maybe Kalyango.

And wait. That kid looks a lot like Duncan Kushaba from Urban TV.

Ivan: Duncan? We have Ugandans called Duncan? It sounds like a preserve of our brothers next door.  Frankly, I was not surprised. I’ve found that Ugandans like to be daring and take on names that are TV friendly. Like say, Karitas or Straka. Really the same letters, just slightly tweaked. What? Am I the only one that noticed?

Baz: Meanwhile the chick, Jannette? She looks just like this chick called Janet.

Ivan: The one twist that’s going to keep me glued to my screen (My PC screen. I don’t have DSTV.  Kale if only the good people responsible would take a hint and share some of that goodness.) is this, Big Brother is IN FACT one of the contestants. Spying on them and laying traps. And then, instead of proper evictions, (s)he will just bump them off like one of those movies… What shall we be voting for? You ask? Beats me, I’m the guy that thinks Karitas and Straka have something in common.

Baz: Big Brother is going to attempt to kill the contestants one by one? Cool. Just like the other housemate chick in the other Big Brother. What was her name? The one who had the wild look in her eyes like she is talking to you but she is also hearing other voices giving her instructions. What was her name? The one who would be seen sneaking into people’s beds at night as if considering which one to stab first? What was her name? Maureen. Yes. Maureen..


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