The Real Book On How To Succeed In Life. All Other Books Are Lying


Want to get rich? Don’t worry. All it takes is reading my book and you’ll get money. I took some time off my very busy schedule of rich people to write seven good tips for you because I care so much about you even if I don’t know you or will never even meet you.

Except maybe when you come to beg me for an autograph.

Chapter One

Welcome, poor person. Yes, you’re poor. Why else are you reading this? You’re poor and I’m rich, something I’m going to gloat about whenever I get a chance in this article, just because it feels good when we rich people look down upon you filthy, deprived underdogs.

Chapter Two

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t enjoy bragging about my richness. Okay I do but I’m actually not rich right now. I’ll be rich when every poor person uses their filthy, hard-earned money to buy my book. So in principle, I’m rich in advance. That’s the first lesson. Start by believing. Believe I am rich.

Chapter Three

Gloat gloat gloat I’m rich I’m rich I’m rich nya nya nya nya nya nya nya nya nya. But enough about me. Let’s talk about you. Move on to the next chapter to hear good things about yourself.

Chapter Four

You’re poor.

Chapter Five

But honestly. Really. If I were really rich, would I honestly waste my precious time writing tips for you poor people? I’d pay you to write tips for yourself.

Chapter Six

And even if I got tired of being on TV and other things rich people do for fun, and sat down to write a book, why would I give the whole world tips on how to get rich? No, really. Think about it. Or not. The fact that you bought my book (Edited for Africa: borrowed my book from a friend or downloaded it from Piratebay) means you don’t think. So I’ll help you and just explain.

Poor person, I don’t want you to be rich like me. I alone want to own the world and buy land on other planets that are not even mentioned in the Bible or NASA’s Facebook page.

Chapter Seven

Seriously, if I ever publish a book on how to be rich, don’t believe anything I say in that book. I’ll just be trying to keep you away from real work. I honestly don’t want you to be rich and share my spotlight. Go and report me to your parents


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