This morning, ULK was given special clearance by no one in particular to enter Luzira prison and interview Queen Bad Black the Great. I was humbled and visibly shaken as I entered the prison cell housing the richest woman on earth.
But I was surprised when the face that turned to meet my glance belonged to CHOGM hero, Gilbert Bukenya. He wore a dress and a wig.
ULK: Eh! Mahogany! What are you doing in a dress?!
BUKENYA: Escuse me?! Am not Bukenya! Am Bad Black.
ULK: For real?
BB: Don’t undress me kisirani! I can shoe you in court.
ULK: I’m terribly sorry, your highness. You look like…I’m so sorry, sir. Madam.
BB: It’s okay.
ULK: So how are you finding this place, your highness?
BB: Oh my God it smells! Oh! The bed smells, the food smells…they can’t even let you go-kko out for some lunch at Serena and you come back.
ULK: The prisons of today!
BB: You know? And they brought me here saying mbu I stole money!
ULK: What?! How can they? I see people here everyday making over 10million dollars in one day even when they do nothing. That’s very normal.
BB: You see? Achoosing me like that is pros…paper…pit…popo…
ULK: Preposterous. Here. Use my hankie. You’re sweating.
BB: You’re welcome.
ULK: So when are you starting?
BB: Starting what?
ULK: To splash the money in here. The paper. The chada. The dalladalla bills yo. I even thought I’d see you in a Bentley cruisin’ on the wessyde in the compound there. But I understand if you’re laying low for now. Me I’d have already bought a mattress made out of gold. I just want you to know that I respect your style.
BB: What are you talking about? I don’t have any money in here.
ULK: But you’re BAD BLACK! You mean I’ve been nice this whole time for nothing? You’re not giving me anything?
BB: What! No.
ULK: You evil crook! You used me!
GUARD: Sir, you need to leave the beautiful damsel in distress alone and go! Now!
ULK: It’s okay. You can stop pretending. She doesn’t have money!
GUARD: WHAT! But she’s Bad Black!
ULK: Nope. That went with the money. Now she’s just a Kampala nuisance who made me say good things about her without warning me that she couldn’t pay for them. I swear I’m reporting you to police! Don’t come for our party even!
GUARD: Me can I come?
ULK: Say something funny.
GUARD: Latifah Nalukenge.
ULK: Hehehe. Again. Say it again.
GUARD: Shanita Namuyimba.
ULK: Heheheheh…Wait, who?
GUARD: She’s the same one.
ULK: The same Naalu? She bought another name?
GUARD: Yes. Mbu even she even wanted to buy the name Queen Latifah but the woman who’s the owner in America refused.
ULK: So she’s called Latifah Nalukenge Shanita Namuyimba Almost Queen Latifah?
GUARD: Yes sir.