The first concert show from Tusker Project Fame season five took place on Sunday with everybody sounding bad. We are going to put this down to what expert music professionals call “acoustics” and not take the easier assumption that it was due to what the rest of us call “sucking”. Because to be frank, we know at least some of these kids have skills.
Nancy came on wearing the chasis from the Iron Man Mach 8 and got her voice’s ass kicked by the acoustics (still being charitable) and Juliana thought it was omg and she loved it. “I think you’re ready,” said the veteran star who has ten years’ experience in performing to adoring fans, churning out hits, winning awards and acclaim (And this is not counting the years before Taata W’abaana).
Ian was next. We respect Ian. We presume he has some amount of arts cred. He is a stage actor I think. I mean, he has not experienced as much of the limelight, he has not seen as much of the inside of the pop stardom world as Juliana has, but we give him his due respect.
He said, “Lol, wtf! That I hear ready. Ready? Ready my big black Kikuyu donkey in Mathare i.e. my ass. You are not ready. Juliana prolly been burning that nylon weave of hers and sniffing the fumes, I swear. You are not ready!”
Doreen, the Purple Diva who got into the house with her spangled up guitar and her India.Arie vibe came on and sang something that was not neosoul. She had no guitar. She was not being Purple Diva. I guess Project Fame wants to make all-rounders, but for those of us who are not interested in seeing India.Arie sing Party In The U.S.A. we passed.
Our Ugandan chick came on. (Or since she is a Ugandan, and Ugandans prefer to spell that word wrong, I should say, our Ugandan “chic”). Her name is Sharon. She tried to sing Chandiru’s Gold Digger. And did not manage. All that jumping around left her breathless and it was all she could do to pant, “I give you my hurrrrrrrr.” The ka-axa banange. I think she said “I give you my girders, baybe.”
Mich asked her, “If you don’t dig for gold, what do you dig for? Har har har.”
Mich was astonishingly stale this week. He was gobsmackingly, flat-bottomed 100kg steel anvil falling from the top of a cliff to land smack onto of your gob stale.
When Hotness sang (Hotness’ name, we discovered now that we were paying attention, is Samantha. She’s the fine one from Burundi.) When Samantha sang her song it had, in its refrain, a word that sounds like “Ndoota”.
“What does it mean?” Mich asked, bounding over to leer and slobber and drool and sleaze his grinny perviness from close range.
“Dream.” She answered. One word just.
“I like it when people sing about me,” Mich said.
Now, that’s the problem right there. You cannot jokingly pretend to be so vain that when you hear a song called “Dream” you assume it is about you when you actually are so vain that we think you actually believe that shit.
I mean, if Msechu had said that it would have been funny. I would have laughed my ass off.
Well, there was a moment of mirth that came out of that moment though, when Ian said this about Samantha: “You are one of the contestants I can see growing.”
Samantha is like four feet tall.
Hey, Joseph. Joseph. I mean as in growing cos she’s small she can grow tall. You see? That growing. I can see her growing. Taller. You get now, eh? I can continue? Good.
Excuse Joseph. He gets lost.
Now, I don’t quite remember who went on probation because, as I have said, everybody was sounding funneh (You know the acoustics, banange, these acoustics!) Samantha wasn’t on probation, that’s for sure but.. this just in, Ugandan Sharon is on probation, so if you love your country Uganda, uphold thee it by voting to airtime companies.
I am keeping a special phone until Mich is up on probation then I’m going to vote him out. I will burn the simcard after.