If you missed last night’s episode of The Hostel because the electricity in your house had, due to load shedding, gone back to Jinja, my condolences. If you missed because the neighbor’s child, in his quest to become a scientist, managed to screw open your telly but his ingenuity hadn’t yet shown him how to screw it shut, again, sorry. If you missed because aliens attacked you and took you hostage and you are reading this as 5 sets of green compound eyes stare intently at you while holding down boners with each giggle, preach it, preach the Urban Legend gospel.
The episode, for me, begun with Odoch and his roommate chilling on their beds talking boy things. Then Kitty strutted in holding cake that she claimed to have made herself. Just by looking at your TV screen, you couldn’t tell whether the cake was spiked or not. We both know which one tastes better. So Kitty walks in and places her bum on Odoch’s laps and proceeds to tell him how he is the bestest Boyfriend she’s ever had in her whole entire life. That all the rest were losers. That him he is not a loser. That he is a winner. That when she thinks of him her heart tintinabulates. And that even when he is far away, she can feel him behind her. Odoch is mashed up by all this mush. Then Kitty leaves.
The camera then switches to Hope’s room. Hope is reading some rated stuff. Rated because they never show us the book the entire time. She is focusing on her book but her roommate, Patra, keeps sashaying to the radio and turning up the volume. At home we watched this thinking, “Who does that? WHO TURNS UP THEIR RADIO WHEN THEIR ROOMATE’S READING? Die infidel!” Every time Patra turns on the radio, Hope goes and turns it off. After lots of nail-biting dilly-dallying, Hope unplugs the radio and gives Patra the “if-you-even-think-of-switching-on-this-freaking-radio-again-I’ll-pull-your-hair-out” look. You know that look. They start to fight. Just a sample fight. Kitty walks into the fracas but doesn’t seem to notice. She pulls Patra to the bed and they start to discuss how their plan to slay Odoch is still on course.
The camera then shifts back to Odoch’s room. His roommate walked in and found the cake Kitty had brought Odoch lying there lonely. He unwraps it and starts to munch away. Again we who are watching we are like “Who eats his roommate’s cake? WHO DOES THAT? Die infidel!”
Odoch walks in to find the last bits of his cake being munched. He breaks down. Wails. We are all surprised at the sudden break in character. “That cake was special. Kitty baked it for me”
The camera shifts one final time back to Patra/Hope’s room. Brother John has gone to see Hope and they are all staring into each other’s eyes and closing in for a French one when Angello walks in. Brother John is pissed, he lifts Angello off the ground and puts him on Patra’s bed, all the while promising to punch him but not quite getting round to doing it.
Brother John: Didn’t I tell you not to come here ever again?
Angello: But Hope, your chic, invited me. Here, see the text message (shows him)
John backs off. Message reads “Sweetie, please come by today. I don’t want Brother John to know”
Angello: If you can’t please your woman, me for me I will (storms off)
Brother John turns to Hope and asks her why she sent such a message. She says she didn’t send it. Mbu she doesn’t know how it got there. He checks her outbox and voila, the message is there. He cries. He leaves.
Patra walks back into the room.
Patra: hehehe. I saw your two boyfriends leave. “Sweetie, please come by today. I don’t want Brother John to know”
Hope realizes that Patra sent the message. No more games. Hope forgets she is saved, quickly changes into a gladiator outfit, oils her body, and deliver deadly blows to Patra’s upper torso using a pillow.