The Hostel: Featuring X-Men characters


The Hostel is determinedly set in a universe where all men are dogs.  Even without Gilo and Angelo attempting to rape peeps, someone on screen at New Age has to be a barking, heinous, filthy, damned male-ass piece of shit. Twino is making eyes at either Patra or Patra’s friend (his eyes are wobbly. I couldn’t see who the target was). Alma is a whoremonger. Makie is molesting my Annete.  Even Brother John is being an ass, trying to get all yoked with unbelievers because they wear short dresses.

But bambi Odoch? Come on, at least let Odoch represent for the good guys, scriptwriters, come on.

In the beginning he was a class act—rough-cut, but a class act. He didn’t comb his hair, he liked malwa, he spoke perfect English in a home accent—in short, he was the hero we all want our sons to be. Well, those of us who have our perspectives right. So when he ended up with Kitty, we applauded and increased the tithe we pay at our respective churches in appreciation.

Ah. And then we stood up and nodded in approval when he snarled at Patra in the go-reddest of tones, “I am faithful to my kitty-kat.” And though I didn’t fully comprehend how he did it, I guess there was something admirable in the act the day Kitty sat on him and he opted to turn down all that sex she was offering on the grounds, he said, that they should take it slow, due to “I respect you.”

I don’t get how you don’t sleep with people you respect, but hey, it sounded like something Hugh Grant would do, so I guess it’s in some way impressive.

But now this?

Last night, pedal hit the metal, full out dog mode, he turned into a rapper. It was as if the scriptwriters had been leading us on. “Men? They deceive you that they are not evil scum by acting like halfway decent human beings for a while but you wait. They turn around and seduce local heiffers the moment your back is turned. I will demonstrate using this script. Watch.”

So Odoch, wild hair radiating hornily off his head, said to Bridget, “Let’s bone today.” And since the actor who plays Bridget is not a good enough to let her character emote the word No, she acquiesced. And that was when Kitty caught them.

In flagrante delicto.

We are not seeing signs of the X-Men movie coming to cinemas any time soon, but at least we had this scene. Kitty called down thunder like Storm. She cut a wire like Wolverine. Bridget flew into the closet when Kitty took off her earrings and if you really know X-Men, then you know Kitty Pride, right? You don’t hide from Kitty Pride in closets.

Shadowcat, aka Kitty Pryde, is an X-Men character who walks through walls, noobs.

I believe that in the deleted scene, Kitty found Bridget, tore out her throat, and made her swallow it, then tore it out again and strangled Odoch with it.

It was clearly a You Go Girl scene, but Hostel, seriously. Can we have at least ONE decent male character? Eh?

Coming Up (Heh) In The Hostel

This is why we call The Hostel a groundbreaking television show. Because things happen in it that you would never have seen happening on Ugandan TV before. One of the grounds that was broken was the steamy love scene last night when Hot Sister Hope took matters into her own hands (and mouth) by leaning over to the surprised Brother John to kiss him on the lips.

Now, Brother John is a slow guy. In fact, I was watching the show in a dirty house which is infested with slugs and snails.  One of the snails, the one which had asthma, and which was lazy, and which was carrying heavy bags, uphill, looked at Brother John on the screen and said, “Naye, I’m slow, but that guy is slow!”


What Brother John is not.

He needed to have his mouth attacked by Hope before he finally understood that they are supposed to be a romantic on-screen couple.

The camera cut to credits before we could see what happened next. I assume that the coy little kiss awoke raging passions that had been burning within them and they lost all control to the power of LOVE, ripped each others clothes right off, Hope finding superhumanly that she could actually tear leather jackets into several pieces, and then loud, sweaty, riotous,  reggeaton sex ensued between the two and it was so potent that it left not one, but both of them pregnant.

Tune in at seven thirty tonight to find out what happened.

Me I’ll be back on Monday to update this little recap.


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